Monday, September 22, 2008

The trouble with sex and the food channel

Look, like any red-blooded guy who watches the food channel, we are going to admit eventually that we watch some of those shows because the presenter is 450 degrees Fahrenheit, off the Scolville charts hot. And if you tell me you watch Nigella just for her recipes, you're a sick, sick man.

But wait, here's the twist to my post. I'm not going waste your time reading about how I drool over Nigella, Vivien and Rachael Ray. ( I have this weird thing for the Barefoot Contessa (Ave Ina!, but it makes the Guvnor ill; so I'll drop that here..)

No. It's this - drooling is essentially useless

Yes it is. And the reason is because if I asked you to select one person to have dinner with (everything after that, as they say in some of the more seedier aspects of the entertainment industry - can be negotiated), you would be silly to choose your culinary FHM top 10. Why?

Because the Domestic Goddess is essentially domesticated. She has kids, and a husband. And her hubby is the only one who has full rights to her Degustation menu; understand? Same goes for Ms Ray and her ilk. Look, even if you manage to win a dream date with her at Blumenthal's restaurant; what are you going to woo her with? Tales of your culinary misadventures in your miniscule apartment kitchen (notice the Freudian subtext)?

She's heard it all before. Tales of guys going into spasms watching her whip cream and beat eggs. Pretentious dudes going on about food and wine matching. (God help you if you ever went out with Jancis Robinson, MW). So, at the end, she's going to get up ,smile politely and thank you for a lovely evening and...go back.

Back to her kids to tuck them in and think about her next series which films in a few months. You? Unfortunately, it's a taxi to your matchbox sized apartment where you'll watch her on telly all over again

No, guys, the only person you should have your dinner date someone like Tony Bourdain. He may think you're a twat, but he'll drink with you and tell you stories about how his trips to Lebanon and Russia. In between, you'll have cigarettes and lie to each other about how many women you've slept with. All total B.S but at least it's the real deal.

Because at the end of the day, you'll leave and think about making that next trip to Palin. Or Uzbekistan. He'll inspire you. If he can do it, why can't I? (sans camera crew of course). All it takes is an airline ticket and a cheap hotel. Maybe I can get a bowl of Pho. Maybe I'll marry that cute chick selling that doesn' matter 'cause if a guy can't dream, then what's the point of living?

And it's a more realistic dream than you marrying someone on TV because she's already been spoken for but that girl you marry one day in the future- she's going to be your Domestic Goddess. Or you are - depending on who ends up cooking and cleaning.

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